The First Snow

I was hoping winter would wait another couple weeks, but it seems that it is unofficially already here, with the temperature a chilly 36F (2C) and snow fluttering to the ground (I know the basic chemistry doesn't make sense - but go figure). It is the first snow of the season, ushering in what meteorologists promise will be one of the harshest winters we've seen in a while. They are anticipating very low temperatures and lots of snow.

I'm not excited. I like snow, but the cold sucks and so does snow after the first day that it falls. I feel like a snob, or a brat, or both, because I know many Brazilians that have never seen snow and are thrilled by the possibility of catching one of the white flakes on their tongue, or trudging in boots through 12 inch drifts. They dream of snow in the same way that we dream of white beaches and palm trees. They dream of down jackets and snow boots and we dream of string bikinis and coconut-scented tanning oil. The grass is always greener...or whiter...on the other side.

During cold days like this, I try not to think about the warm tropics that just months ago was my home. Instead, trying to be an optimist and just enjoy the moment, I focus on cozy sweaters, steamy hot chocolate and fireplaces; red wine that warms from within, walks with the dogs in the snow and the lazy feeling that comes when you have a good excuse to not go outside. Then come the daydreams of meeting someone that might make these cold days and nights a little bit warmer.


A lone pink blossom that stands tall against the first falling snowflakes.

About fifteen minutes later the snow has begun to accumulate and gather on the petals.

Uma Lembrança - Motorcycles on the Highway

Driving home on the highway this afternoon I came across several Harley riders. As I passed them on the left and drove a little further I came into view of a whole group. There were about 50 Harley bikers riding together down the interstate. I suddenly had a flashback to Brazil. (Those that live in the interior might have some idea about what I am referring to.)

Driving down the highway in Brazil, it was not uncommon to have bike riders speed past you at threatening velocities and angles. On the curving roads that connected small interior São Paulo towns, you were sure to come across several bikers, especially on the weekends. When you happened to drive through Morungaba or Seirra Negra, and many other towns, you would see them congregated at the side of the road enjoying a drink before they dangerously ride off.

Today I noticed the differences between Brazilian and American bikers. Brazilians are usually young men that ride dirt bikes, or more sporty versions of road bikes. They wear colorful body suits and helmets and they speed along the roads as if it was a racetrack. The women, if they are tagging along, are usually wearing some thick platform boots, tight jeans and a tiny top.

American bikers, on the other hand, are on average older and ride the big Harley bikes. They sit with their legs spread-eagle and arms straight in front, not crouched in a racing position. They are along for leisurely rides, and speed does not seem to be the goal. They wear old jeans, leather or polyester jackets and a lot of black. Most of the time it's hard to tell if the rider is a woman or a man, unless you see a stream of hair flowing out of the helmet - and even that isn't a tell-tale sign. (I realize these are blunt generalizations, however, it's what I've noticed.)

Today, for a change, instead of the bikers squealing past me, I ended up passing them. It felt a little strange after the months of holding my breath as bikers cut me off on the highway and sneaked through small spaces in city traffic, almost causing me to crash at times. But I have to say, I do miss the excitement the bikers offered. They forced me to pay attention. Now it's back to day dreaming on the road...

The GRE Blues

I'm about five days away from taking the big test - the GRE. I always hoped that I would somehow slide by without having to deal with more standardized test madness, but I wasn't so lucky. I shouldn't complain, I always seem to do well on standardized tests - I managed to nearly ace the SAT without any extra prep work, other than the scores of books I read over the summer before I took the test. This time it's different.

I'm aware of the importance of these scores related to funding. My SAT score allowed me a full ride for undergrad. Now I've been almost two years abroad speaking basic English and reading little. My vocabulary is down and I haven't studied math in over six years. So I needed to do a little studying and prep work to be ready for the test. It feels like weeks that I've been studying and I'm starting to get a little obsessed about it. I just want to take the damn test and get it over with. A few more days and I'll be there.

It's not just the GRE that has me down. Melancholy in general has been sneaking in and dragging me down. I am trying to feel positive about my future, to create new dreams and make new plans - yet, my heart keeps going back to my old life and my old dreams. In the past two years, as my emotions oscillated with the highs and lows of living a life abroad, I tried to believe in fairy tale "happily ever after" endings. I kept telling myself I would find a way to make everything work, it would all be fine. Now I have to deal with a whole new reality that it didn't work and maybe it never will. My head wants me to move forward, but my heart keeps pulling me back.

It's only been two months on the home front, hopefully things will turn around and I can start looking in front of me, instead of continuously glancing back at what I lost or what could have been.

Algae and Biofuel

Life up North has been treating me well lately. I have decided that I'm going to go to graduate school and get my Masters degree. I always knew I would want to do my Masters and with the economy so slow...it just seemed like the right time. The only problem now is funding. Hopefully I'll be paid to go back to school and my biggest lead is with a scientist who is research with algae to produce biofuel. She basically grows algae in ponds using the nutrient-rich waste products from water treatment plants - good for the environment and economical. The problem for me comes in the reactor stage - they then use a reactor to produce biofuel. Do I know anything about a reactor - no. But the project sounds so interesting and promising that I think I might do some light engineering reading to catch up a bit.

I feel really excited about this, which is a good sign I'm doing the right thing.

Brazil comes back to haunt me at times - most memories are good ones but today I got a flashback of some of my worst days. A girl (who I will not name) invited me to join her windows live messenger group...this girl is like my arch nemesis...the villain of my Brazilian Life. I have no idea why she sent me this invitation - was she trying to be nice, or spiteful? I've never had an enemy before so I'm not an expert at how to deal with these situations. I prefer ignoring rather than combating. One of the greatest things about being back home is not dealing with people like that - good thing there is a block option on MSN.

I do miss Brazil though, especially as I stare out my window into our soggy lawn. The trees in our backyard are currently yellow and orange - beautiful fall foliage. However, I know that they will soon become barren, brown, and spindly for many of the cold months to come. It would be nice to see some of the beautiful Brazilian greenery.

In completely different news, I do have a shadow following me around at home, making my days just a little bit brighter. Nellie, a one-year old chow/shepherd mix from the dog pound, has become my little buddy. She sleeps with me curled up by my side, she lays by me as I work, she runs with me, begs for food from me and puts up with all my prodding and ear stroking. I've decided that when I move, she's coming with me.

Gumbo and Good Books

After a couple days of being down on myself, I decided that enough is enough - I need to just live for now and stop worrying about tomorrow. The best cure for filling empty time has been reading. I have always been an avid reader and my last year in Brazil didn't offer much time to personal reading. This week I've torn through two non-fiction books - one In Her Own Sweet Time a memoir on love and motherhood written by a mid-thirties single woman, the other Smile When You're Lying is an unusual travel book written by a travel writer who became sick of the "happily-ever-after" travel stories you find in the typical media and wanted to share the dirt and grit that normally accompany a traveller.

Besides reading I've been trying to write my own story...difficult to get much down on the page so I'm using Old Friend from Far Away, with lots of useful tips and writing prompts to get a memoir started. I've accepted that this will be a long process and maybe not much will come from it besides a manic and nostalgic trip down memory lane - but what the hell.

My Sunday morning thus far has been filled with Gumbo making and I have to say I am quite proud of myself. Gumbo is a spicy southern stew that makes your body temperature rise with just one bite - it's the perfect meal to beat the first chilly days of Fall. Our recipe has been repeated and marveled at for the past 20 years or so. We make it every year, sometimes several times.

Last year I had a bit of a panic attack while I was making the roux - the base of the thick broth. I know it sounds silly to panic while making stew, but let me explain why. The roux is made by slowly stirring 3/4 cup oil with 1 cup flour for about 40 minutes. You can't stop stirring or the roux burns and you have to start over. You basically need to slowly toast the flour until it reaches a dark caramel color. I was alone in the kitchen, my arm sore, no back-up to stir if I fatigued and it made me freak out a bit. (I know, I seriously lack patience.) However, this year I decided to confront my fear and try making the roux again. This time I got a magazine to flip through and a stool to sit on and I stirred and stirred and didn't stop. I feel like that was a big step forward for me - at least showing a slight gain in patience and mental endurance. Next, I measured out several cups of seasoning and I peeled two pounds of shrimp. My mom de-boned the chicken and cut up a whole bowl full of veggies and two sausage links. Now we wait several hours till the yummy Gumbo reaches its peak. I'm excited.

I guess even though the cold has arrived and any chance of a summer moment has passed - at least I have Gumbo to warm my chilly bones.

A little rant

It's getting cold here and I have to say it's not fair. I missed summer this year. I spent January and February in America last year and then just as the Brazilian summer was beginning this year, I left. Now I arrived in America to catch like two weeks of nice weather before it starts to get super chilly. Anyone ever heard of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)?? Oh this year I think it's going to hit hard...

I'm sitting here feeling like sludge, neither my brain nor my body feel like they want to be engaged. I just want to lay down and fall asleep for a while, but it's impossible. I know I need to think positive, try to focus on the goal at hand. I have applied for several jobs through the government that you have to wait a month or two before knowing any results. I feel like I might go crazy if I sit around like this for another month.

The difficult thing about moving around so much is that you distance yourself (yet I've realized that so many strangers here know intimate details about my life - thanks to mom and dad). I haven't lived in this town for over 6 years...I went to college in Pennsylvania and then lived in NY and then Brazil. Kansas was always a stopover, it was difficult to come back here for a month and not have a social life, but the month always passed and I was back to my own life. Now this is my life!!! I have to start everything over...make new friends, date, work, it all. I was excited about that when I was planning to leave Brazil - I was ready to have a normal social life again, to have a professional job, to have my own apartment, just for everything...

Now stuck in reality, it seems a lot more difficult. I know this will all pass (hopefully soon) but for now I'm impatient and grumpy.

Two weeks and counting

So I've been home for a little over two weeks. Things have started to settle down, I've applied for every possible job in the environmental field within 50 miles of home - now I have to be patient and wait.

I've unpacked and washed everything I own and re-arranged the furniture in my room.

We've celebrated my sister and my mom's birthday and tonight we'll go out again for my mom's birthday. Sunday my brother turns 21, so Saturday should be a night of drunken fun.

And after several attempts, hopefully my money from Brazil is being transferred to the US.

I've cried, but not a lot. There were times in public when people would ask me about being home from Brazil - "what happened", they would exclaim as my eyes would get wet (I don't know if anyone even noticed). I think I left all my tears in Brazil - I can't even count the many times that I bawled and bawled about, well, EVERYTHING.

My heart feels lighter now that I'm home. I do have suffocating moments where I seem to feel everything that happened in an instant, but then I start breathing again and they pass.

Someone mentioned that I should start a blog about my life in Kansas. To be honest, that idea never crossed my mind - my life is boring here, who would want to read about it. Then again...maybe I have some interesting things to say and hopefully my life will speed up some time soon.